21 MarAhhhh, Reunions

So the place I spent many many many summers (I think I’ve spent over a year of my life there over the course of many years), is having it’s 70th Anniversary this year. I am simultaneously v.v. excited and apprehensive about the whole shebang. I don’t have full details yet, I just received A Postcard In The Mail saying it’s coming up & a formal invite will be issued soon. Our “unit” “threw” the 50th Anniversary, so this is a < gasp! > 20 year anniversary of that event…

I’m v.v. excited because there are likely to be a lot of people I love there (my parents who met there, & brother, Jaina? are you coming up?, and of course my little family will be towed off to the event, among others)…. I’m v.v. apprehensive because there will also be scores of people who I idolized as a much younger person & who still intimidate the hell out of me. There will also, no doubt, be some people about whom I continue to have conflicted feelings. Some of whom can be ignored, some of whom I’d like to lay the conflicted feelings to rest about… I’m too old to carry the drama and curiosity about with me.

This is a reunion for something that shaped me… as a result, I’m worried. What am I going to wear, how much of my shell will I allow myself to shed, oh god, I’m not going to make an idiot of myself yet again? How does one reconcile their youth with their adulthood? I am very different, and yet, I’m still very much the same ME. I never bothered to go to my high school reunion — no one & nothing to bring me back. This is different. How does one reconcile the past with the present? I will have no Voyager Point from which to go watch the proceedings from afar until I’ve found that point of me-ness which will sustain me until I can separate myself from the whole again. I will, very likely, move along the edges until I end up immersed. And yet, if my memory of other yearly reunions is correct, the whole event will be oddly formal, like so many Victorian parties, not perhaps so much so that names will be called as each couple enters, but formalized in the way that those who have been through many rituals together before, taken out of context are formal…

Exciting and terrifying all at once. I have no idea what to expect.

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