It’s March. I’m so tired. It snowed 4 inches last night, WTF?
I’m stuck on a couple pieces I hate. I can’t make sense of the melody — it sounds like random notes stuck together in arpeggios & meh. I’m ok at sight reading, but at some point I want a piece to gel. One piece might be starting to gel for me, the other is still random & I can’t find the melody even playing the piece back to back.
Some nights the loneliness strikes — I talk to people, kind of, at work, and I have friends, but no one outside of my family that I see on any kind of regular basis. It’s true. I’m lonely. I’m afraid my ability to hold a conversation is deteriorating & I’m afraid I’m going from merely kind of quirky girl to outright really weird girl. I’m not doing a very good job of acquiring people to talk to either. I’ve been doing a lot of team building stuff at work, and I do stuff around Mamaphonic & HM to facilitate community… but I’m at a loss of how to build a community around myself. I’ve always been on the periphery of groups. I don’t need to be in the center now, but I don’t even know how to go about building a periphery observation point for myself outside teh intarwebs. When I mention this on my lj, I always feel stupid because it sounds like I’m fishing for friends. Which is ultimately what I’m missing (I have friends, I just rarely see anyone socially) — but I think what’s more at the heart of the issues is that I’m inherently somewhat an introvert for whom some sense of community is important. But after working all day, coming home in time to suck down some dinner, then put the girls to bed, I don’t feel I have the time, energy, or liberty to go back out during the week, and then on weekends, I feel like because I’m a working mother like I need to make up for the time I haven’t been around the house (even though the girls are both increasingly of the age that they’d rather play with their friends & just know I’m within beck-&-call), even if I am trying to avoid the elephant of laundry that needs to be folded sitting in the middle of the room, also, I feel like I need some time to recover from work without the pressure of having to do exactly what at times when I’m feeling lonely I want to do (ie, get some social without work time)… I don’t know if that makes sense. I guess it’s not for lack of people who at least make the offer to do something some vague time as it is that I just don’t know when in a week I can actually do it. And when I can, more often than not either the opening is too far out for other folks to make plans, or too short a notice. I don’t know. Thinking about it never makes me feel any better either — only worse, like dwelling on it at all just aggravates the condition, like picking at scabs. Pick, pick, pick. Also, can’t complain about anything IRL or on LJ because who wants to hear the perfectionist pick at the invisible imperfections that no one wants to see? Right, no one. Sorry for inflicting it upon you all, but my site, don’t like it? Don’t read it. Catharsis… Maybe.
It’s 11:08pm. I guess I’d better get a move on here & work on those two pieces I hate. Went to a classical guitar concert last weekend. It was nice, although M2 made me miss the last 2 sets of songs because she had to go potty & there’s no re-admittance (which I understand, but still bummed). At least it was free & in a museum to boot. That was really cool. I was hoping seeing the concert would inspire me to like these pieces, but it only actually inspired me to still hate them, but master them so I can get on to other things I like. Good enough.
How will you know if you found me at least
‘Cause i’ll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I’m so tired, I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight
-Neko Case
