Appreciation: Friends who have templated regular posts that I can lift the format of as I muddle through my own invisible corner of the internet. Or not invisible. Someone might at some point stumble across this.
Me: Doing alright. Considering options. Exploring and adventuring. Taking a much needed week off to revisit me.
Them: Being a kid is hard. Navigating the world of little girls is brutal (M2). Navigating the world with friends on a trip is new (M1)! Old lady cat is old, smelly, and the vet said we could have a couple years or a couple months with her. The “kittens” are not really kittens anymore & are scheduled for their overdue vet appts.
Home: I have gardening to do! And while someone is on a trip, room cleaning (shhhh!). And stuff. And I guess setting up an appt to get my clutch replaced (no pearls, but the car will be happier).
Reading/Watching/Listening: Listening to Faun Fables. And Tool’s Lateralus. Watching What Not To Wear, at the moment… Reading… the internet? Pinterest?
Anticipating: A week off! M1 getting home (even though she hasn’t left yet). Going to the zoo or something with M2.
Projects: That gardening thing. Career development/planning.
Thinking on: Need a new computer for The Family. Considering whether or not to get myself one too, to keep upstairs — I’d use a laptop a little more if there were one upstairs and not down here all the time.
Work: See career development/planning… Recovering from a fairly intense couple years and need to do some active planning rather than simply trying to survive what’s dumped on me (or taken away from me), the politics, the crazy…
Where I’m At: I got two turntables and a microphone. E.g., downstairs.
A mash up of brief thoughts:
• I cannot wait for menopause, because I srsly never ever ever ever want to be pregnant again. Twice was plenty enough, and I had relatively easy pregnancies and deliveries, which is to say at no point was I in danger of dying.
• A friend sent out an invite to an inclusive group she practices with who are reaching out online for the first time. I may throw my cards in and see what comes of it. I think… I think I might just do that. Suppose I should pull together my petition, then.
Knitting a hat is nice because when it comes maudeforbid time to stop for the night, it becomes its own bag for associated stuff.
For the last six months or so, I feel like there’s been this heavy layer of having to be sorry for way too much of what I do, too much trying to be ‘good’ and not succeeding. It sucks. I hate feeling like I need to be sorry for:
• being exhausted
• being totally burnt out
• having opinions and perceptions of my own
• not being ‘nice’ (but being right)
• not being ‘patient’
• for not fitting into some mold of I don’t even know what anymore and finding large parts of myself seeping through the seems where I simply cannot be contained any longer
• being resentful about the fact that I have been made to feel like I need to apply an additional layer of ‘sorry’ to all the other things I’m already feeling
• for basically not being perfect in All The Ways
It is too much. I am trying to find a place of ‘I’m sorry, I’m not sorry’ but it’s hard. Trying to find a place where I can express (or not) the feels with integrity, but it’s hard to act from a place of integrity and wholeness when everything feels shot full of holes and shattered. Of course, that’s typically when it’s most important.
I guess that’s where I’m at today. I’m not sorry.
Species: Poison Pie, (Hebeloma crustuliniforme)
Substrate: Forest Floor, Fall Detritus.
Surrounding Vegetation: Maple leaves, pine needles.
Elevation: ~ 300′.
Manner of Growth:
Gills: Blade-like, connected to stipe, beige, but slightly darker than cap. Do not run down stipe
Stipe: Button mushroom colored, ~ half cm diameter, ~ two inches long, fiberous.
Cap: Button mushroom colored with hints of reddish brown at center.
Base Cup: Nope.
Smell: Smells mushroom-y.
References: Keyed by All That the Rain Promises and More…, page 146.
I want to run away. Will someone please make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Edited to comment: dear Universe, if that thing that looks sort of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich really is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it appears as if it might also come with chocolate milk and a snickerdoodle? I may have to investigate more closely.